Been a while I know. Sorry. Well I am in school, nursing, got a divorce, and been remodeling a room that was destroyed by my teenage sons and then my cousin. Some people are gross and just plain users. But the thing that has me worried and up at night is this. I have a lump in my breast. A large lump. We are waiting, just waiting. All I can think about is that I can't stop, there is no way I can't work. I am the only support my children have. Their father has never paid child support he refuses until he has everything he wants. As far as he is concerned they are not his responsibility. Hell he has not even seen them since August and it is now March. No call on zoelyn' s birthday, nothing for the holidays. What a fucked up loser, at least I have them.. I love them so much, what if this is it, what if I have to choose weather we have a place to live or if  get treatment. I mean I really can not stop I have to keep going with school so I can make more money, will the hospital let me work if I am being treated for cancer? What kind of choice is this? Why do I have to choose one or the other. I will lose everything and also gain a huge bill I can not pay. And what if the treatment does not work? What kind of mess will I leave behind for my family? These are the things that keep me up at night. The fears of this burning, hurting lump in my breast. This thing seen on pictures may just be the end of me. Why? What the hell have I done. I took care of other people's teenagers when they could or would not. I followed a dream to Australia and got my two kids. I put up with abuse and death treats from one of my adopted sons, trying repeatedly to get him help. I let my cousin move in because she was homeless and pregnant. She was never  constant in paying what little she was to pay and trashed my upstairs even more ,smoking in my house. I did not date even thou my now ex dated and slept around even before I sent him packing. I did nothing until the divorce was final. What the hell did I do to have to make this choice? I can't lose it all and start again, if I even get that chance. I have two babies now ,it is not just me. So does that mean I do nothing and hope I will get at least a few years. Damn it why? I want to see the first days of school. I want to be told they hate me when I take away the car keys, I want to say your doing good, I want to be the one to help pick out dresses and suits. I want to be me damn it. ME......
I don't want to give it all to a lump. It is not fuckin fair, there are tons who would dearly love to throw away all the hard work, they would love to be alone. NOT ME YOU FUCKIN LUMP....go away please just go away.. let me play in the snow , swim in the water, walk the dog, slide down slides with my kids, camp by the fire, watch the sunrise, learn a new trade, drive with the Windows down. Please let me be me, not me with a lump. Don't make me choose, because I can't stop, not even for you. I have to feed , cloth, and shelter my children, I can't choose you they will always come first. Zoelyn calls this small little home her castle and she will live hear as long as I can make it happen. Zaya calls my name were ever he goes, these walls are ours. Zoelyn knows my car and points out ones just like it wherever we go. Zaya loves the Windows and his music. I can not lose it. And Capone our nine year old Boston depends on me to make his food. Do you see yet Mr lump I can not stop I can't make time for you. Please leave me be I am the only one there is no one to help me. Please just leave us be.